


Sirius Black And The Effects Of Mistletoe

by orphan_account



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Christmas, Fluff, M/M, Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-29
Updated: 2014-08-29
Packaged: 2018-02-15 05:36:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2217687
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sirius kisses a girl under the mistletoe. It doesn't exactly go as planned. Good thing Remus is there to dispense advice - and offer him a few ideas of his own.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sirius Black And The Effects Of Mistletoe

It all began with mistletoe – a traditional holiday symbol of awkwardness, shenanigans, and unwanted saliva-sharing with total strangers. Sirius Black, having been raised essentially under a rock with plushier armchairs and severely disturbing hallway decorations, had not encountered mistletoe before his time at Hogwarts. How he managed to avoid standing under mistletoe at the exact same time as another human being for five years, with his tendency to flirt with anyone who had a pulse (which was a possibly negotiable condition if he got bored enough and a ghost walked by) was a mystery.

But on that day in fifth year, Sirius found himself standing under the mistletoe with some girl from his Charms class who was probably a Ravenclaw and mostly attractive in a conventional sense. Being a fifteen-year-old boy, her lovely personality did not count for as much as the fact that she was mildly behind on the puberty thing in his eyes.

But still. She kissed him.

And absolutely nothing happened.

“D'you have to fancy them first?” Sirius mused, flopped upside down on his bed, next to Remus, who was according to stereotype attempting to do homework. “I mean, if you want _fireworks_ do you have to have spent an hour staring at the back of her head and wondering what she's thinking? Do you have to want to shag them senseless, is that a requirement?”

“Shut up, Sirius. One of us at least should pass this exam in Transfiguration.”

“No, but I mean really! I wasn't expecting a bloody hallelujah chorus but it'd have been nice if it was something more than just 'Oh, her mouth is oddly wet, why's it pressed up against mine, how long is that going to keep happening'! Kissing a girl for the first time is s'posed to be special! Or you know, at least not _boring._ Boring is the worst thing a thing can be.”

“Moldy.”

“What, Moons?”

“You left out moldy. And evil. And possessed _by_ evil. And rotting. And on fire. And cursed. Cursed to make your limbs fall off, even. I sincerely doubt that boring is the worst thing something can be.”

“That's not the point! Why was it boring?”

Remus paused to consider whether or not he should raise the point which had just occurred to him, then shook his head and picked up his quill again. “I don't know, Sirius, maybe you  _do_ have to fancy them first.”

  


* * *

  


“But I fancied her! At least, I think I fancied her, I'm not entirely sure how you're supposed to fancy someone but I spent quite a lot of time staring at her and she was wearing this jumper and you could see down her – anyway, I fancied her! And nothing.”

Remus raised his eyebrows. “Nothing?”

“I don't know, it didn't do _anything_ , all I did was sit there while she was climbing all over me wondering when the last time she brushed her teeth was!”

Slowly, Remus raised a hand to pinch the bridge of his nose, shutting his eyes. There was a certain amount of risk in pointing out the obvious to Sirius Black. He tended to either take offense that he hadn't noticed it first, or else take out riverfront property in Egypt immediately.

“What? _What, Moony?”_

“Not to put too fine a point on it,” he said slowly, “but are you sure you want to be kissing girls at all, Sirius?”

Sirius blinked. “As opposed to what? Squid? I'm not snogging the Giant Squid, that's probably not legal in Britain!” He paused as the implication of this sank in. “I wouldn't do it even if it were legal, just to be clear about that.”

“No, Sirius.” Remus shook his head. “As opposed to boys.”

For a moment he sat in stunned silence, before wrinkling his nose up in a face which was best described as 'what happens when you confront Sirius Black with new information which he cannot process and ultimately fails to' or, alternately, 'what happens when you confront Sirius Black with green vegetables'. “Boys? I can't kiss boys!”

“And why not?”

“Because I'm a boy! You can't just... do that! That's not how things are!”

“Contrary to what you might think, Sirius, 'how things are' is a very broad term which can change very easily. There are a lot of men who kiss other men. They don't do it in public, of course, but they still do and I gather they're very happy doing it.”

“How d'you know _that?”_

“Oh, I worked at a club one summer cleaning tables.”

“A _gay club?!”_

“It's not as though it's contagious, Sirius, I'm fine.”

The word 'flabbergasted' might well have been invented in order to describe Sirius Black's face at that exact moment. He opened his mouth, shut it again, opened it once more, let out a kind of combination squeak and gasp, and then shut it for good as he got to his feet and bolted out of the dormitory.

Remus sighed. “Denial it is, then.”

  


* * *

  


“Moony! Moony.” Sirius made his way over to the other boy's bed, bouncing on the balls of his feet as his thoughtful expression changed slowly to one of mischief. “I've thought of something.”

“No, Sirius, I will not help you and James enchant the Giant Squid to serenade Lily.”

“Not that! About the – the kissing thing.”

Remus raised an eyebrow. “What about it?”

“Well, I thought about what you said – try not to faint – and I've decided that if I'm going to know for certain, I need to conduct an experiment.”

“An experiment,” Remus repeated slowly.

“Precisely. An experiment to see whether or not I'm... well... you know. In order to conduct this experiment, I'm gonna need to find a boy.”

“Well don't look at me.”

Except Sirius was looking at him, an odd look in his eyes as he clambered suddenly over from his bed over onto Remus's. “Trouble is, I think I need to find a boy not likely to hex me into next week if I kiss him.”

“I... see.” Remus found a sudden warmth creeping over him as Sirius leaned closer, almost too close, and offered him a crooked grin.

“Think I found one.”

“What do you mean, found one –”

Sirius leaned forward in one swift motion and pressed his lips to Remus's. All at once, he felt as though he were falling, a curious heat curling in his stomach, the world almost falling away, narrowing to this singular point. It was, he had to admit, _very_ different from kissing a girl. When he pulled back, he found his friend staring at him, wide-eyed and scarlet.

Sirius clapped him on the back. “Don't worry, Moons, I know you're not gay. Thanks for helping, though.” And with that, he got to his feet and sauntered out of the dormitory, leaving Remus to stare after him for a long time.


End file.
